I had my medical board the other day, which is basically where a Navy doctor sits down with you and conducts an interview about your medical situation. So Dr. You and I had a talk. This was the second consecutive appointment at the incredibly competent Great Lakes Naval Hospital where they had managed to lose all of my medical records. So we did the medical board with no records.
It didn’t turn out to be that big of a deal however.
I told the doc my situation, starting from DEC2006 until present. I had met with him previously and we had a good repoire already. Repoire is French for “I trust you enough that I think you have nothing to gain by ruining my life with your professional apathy”. I had been straight up with the doctors there, that I was dedicated to the integrity of the medical board process.
….See, a while back…. (cut to reminiscence of a few months earlier)
All of my civilian doctors, who are all incredibly credentialed (significant because they love their reputations nearly as much as their egos), had made it clear to me over this past year that they would write just about anything I wanted to the Naval Board
(cut to scene within a scene)
ME: Hey Dr. Egomax, I need you to write a letter that answers these questions that I am handing you right now.
DR: What do you want me to write?
ME: ….ummm… you could just answer the questions that I’ve come up with. They basically deal with your medical assessment of characteristics I have deemed important, and that are within the scope of your specialty.
DR: So…what should I write?
ME: you know, your medical opinions and stuff…use doctor words please
DR: So…what should I write?
This went on for a week or so, multiplied by every doctor and surgeon on my team. It seems I had been talking so excessively about staying in the Marine Corps that none of them wanted to be the person to write a poorly chosen word, or possibly even the truth, that may compromise my bid to remain on active duty.
but they had lost sight of the integrity of the process.
To be fair, I had as well. I spent months tossing and turning about what to do. I realized I could manipulate the entire evaluation process. I can’t say that turned me off. Why should I let a bunch of people who didn’t know me determine whether or not I was fit to be a United States Marine? I was born and bred to be a Marine. I mean, my whole life was designed for me to get to the yellow footprints, to burn that eagle globe and anchor into my heart. I’m going to let a bunch of Navy doctors who couldn’t collectively shit an ounce of hardcore try and figure out what makes a Marine tick, and determine if I have what it takes to lead Marines? Might as well just ask the dog, but we all know he would just look at me funny…
It was a difficult prospect to stomach to be sure.
So I went back and forth and back and forth trying to decide what I should do.
The whole thing became very clear to me while out for a walk. “I will honorably pursue my obligation to serve”. 8 words.
8 words and I knew in my heart it was the only way to go. I felt a sense of pride that integrity had won out in my heart and mind.
And so I built a repoire (see definition above) with Dr. You. I beat it into his head that I was there to accurately represent my medical condition, and to pursue my obligation to my Corps. He seemed relieved, as I think he spends a lot of time processing military personnel who are trying to work the medical board system to either stay in or get out. I wanted the doctors to figure out what’s best. I wanted them to do their job.
I became suspicious when I told Dr. You the entire story and he wasn’t at all concerned that we had no medical records. He told me I probably wouldn’t need them, as I had too many complications to remain on active duty. Its not a guarantee, as no decision has yet to be made, but he seems fairly certain of his opinion.
You see, its not just the depth perception, the peripheral vision, the need for periodic scanning, the risk of recurrence, or the weakened integrity of my skull. Some of these conditions would be surmountable, but its just too much cumulatively for the Marine Corps to risk my life on active duty.
I had no idea that there was nothing I could have done to stay on active duty. I was relieved to have not compromised my integrity. I am proud to have made that decision before I knew the outcome, as there is no question I considered it.
I am utterly devastated. So empty as I write these words.
I feel a total loss of identity. I AM A MARINE. If not, what am I? Who will I be?
I am __________??
That’s the question going forward. I Will Find Something. Right now, everything that is not the Marine Corps seems less than. But I will find something. The day will come soon when I will be in the right place emotionally to move on, but now is the time to celebrate being a Marine.
I haven’t felt so motivated in years. Sure, every once in a while you have a hardcore month or two, but the Marines of our unit know well the effect of this duty station. For me…now…in this moment…years have been stripped away. I have rekindled the fire that burns hot, the feeling of being one of the proud few. Teuflheunden. MARINE!
I love being a Marine. I love being a part of something greater than self. Honor, Service, and Sacrifice. I love the feeling of putting others before yourself. Of being so excited to learn something because you get to teach it to another. Laugh, brothers, but I love formation runs. I love to break physically, but never mentally. I love the pride that comes only from the confidence of adversity conquered. I love Marines.
I am holding back both kinds of tears as I write this.
So, I am going to be that Marine for a bit. Yes, I have ordered the entire Sgt Grit collection. Yes, I am dusting off every award, to more ardently appreciate my own greatness. Yes, you will see me at the bar in Deltas, for no reason you can discern. I will grab every second of my remaining time by the throat, shake it till it breaks, and suck the essence from it.
Medical science has decided I have gotten enough, but I say there is more to get. GET SOME!
I would expect nothing less from you. You are integritgy !!!Mom
Comment by Anonymous — August 7, 2008 @ 11:31
You are honorable.
You are inspiring.
You are unbeatable.
You are loved.
joy
Comment by Anonymous — August 7, 2008 @ 14:02
Words can hardly describe the sense of loss I feel with reading your post, but words also fall short in describing how proud I am to have learned so much from you back then and now. You ARE Semper Fidelis. I hope to see you again someday soon.
Comment by Zack Hartnett — August 8, 2008 @ 00:52
Eddy
Opportunities are rarely labeled. We both know the Corps would have held you back. Gunnery Sergeant, you have achieved more in your short time than most Marines do in 20 years. You will continue to excel in everything you do. And because you have a generous nature you will credit the Corps in your future success. But those of us, who served with you and call you brother, know the truth. Excellence is in your blood, ambition is in your DNA, and greatness is in your future.
Semper Fi
Sonny
Comment by Anonymous — August 8, 2008 @ 05:09
You are Eddy! There are not enough of you; you are a rare commodity that no matter the condition will endure. There will never be enough Eddy's to go around, and you will find that all doors that close will open another…..and yes, you can kick it down if you'd like.
As someone who is in a place that 6 years ago I never dreamed of (partly because of a medical issue); It all works out when you have the determination to survive. I can tell you in my opinion that you have all you need to fill in that blank already. No one that knows you would consider anything about you a ___________!
Dan & Jill
Comment by Anonymous — August 8, 2008 @ 14:47
Thanks everybody…I really didnt expect the depth of feeling that is in these comments. Its a good feeling. I'm glad I've finally written this. Thanks for the support. Gotta go buy a Eagle Globe and Anchor belt buckle…
Comment by Eddy — August 8, 2008 @ 17:06
Everyone who knows you sees strength and honor. You are capable of anything. I bet that blank becomes something the rest of us only wish was possible. We will always see you as a Marine. Tim and Sandy
Comment by Anonymous — August 9, 2008 @ 20:30
Wow…I am not even sure of what I should type here in this box. But I can tell you that you are amazing.
S
Comment by Anonymous — August 12, 2008 @ 00:50