CSTAR

BINGO!

Hold your cards, we have a possible bingo. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, my pathology reports came back, and all of the lymph nodes were benign (get it…B9…c’mon people).

In the past three years that we have been undergoing this struggle, definitive news is extremely rare. Results are always relative. Meaning, I get scanned and it says I am clear, but we all know that is only a positive indicator, that there can be a lot of bad things just below the measurable surface. On the other hand, when bad things show up, we are never quite sure how bad they are, or whether action has to be taken. The insubstantial nature of these developments are the primary cause of stress in our battle with cancer. It is the overwhelming of the unknown that is the hardest to battle.

That’s not the story today! When the surgeons reach inside your head and pull some stuff out, and then the pathologists tear it into tiny pieces, just looking for insurgent cells, there is nothing relative about the results. I don’t have cancer in my lymph system! I don’t remember the last time we got such definitive good news.

It does a lot to buoy my spirits in the case of the other news I have: pain. I am in more pain right now than I have ever been in my life, to include 5 surgeries and 70 something radiation treatments. Dr. Pelzer must have really got after it with a butcher’s blade and a soup spoon, because my body is very unhappy. In five surgeries, I have never taken more than a few of the pain pills that I am inevitably prescribed. At this point in this recovery, however, I can’t function if I am not on meds at least every two hours. I haven’t eaten more than a cup of soup per day since surgery. It is just too painful to swallow.

BE ADVISED: I am not whining! Self-Pity is a progressive disease that we cannot afford to contract. It would be crippling. I am just relating my surprise at my current condition.

The most painful thing I have to go through every day, ironically, is taking the pills. It takes me a good three swallows just to get each pill down. Eating is so painful that the only reason I do it is because I know it is essential to recovery. If it were acceptable, I would really prefer not to eat, but I know I need some calories to adequately heal. I just hope this passes soon.

I wasn’t ready for this pain, because the procedure was supposed to be so simple and non-invasive. However, since the target node could not be removed, several supporting nodes had to be found and taken out, and that must have done quite a bit of collateral damage. I am just so surprised that the level of pain is so much higher than any of the more radical procedures and treatments that I have undergone in this process.

My spirits are high, however, as I forgot what it even feels like to get unqualified good news. Pain is pain. It hurts, but we suck it up. Good news feels so good the joy cannot be denied, and to leave good news uncelebrated would be a tragedy.

Happiness is the reward of ignoring pain. Its worth the work.